If I Go Crazy
by Hypnosbutterfly
Summary: A new beginning for a Herald thought to be lost to her own insanity... kinda angsty pg13 to be safe please RR?


Disclaimer- I do not own Valdemar, Heralds, The Collegium, et al… et al belongs to Mercedes Lackey, but if you are reading this you probably know that already. The lyrics to Kryptonite belong to Three Doors Down.

This is NOT a songfic… this is what happens when you are up at 2am with writers block listening to your room mate's stereo…

If I go crazy...

"I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind, I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time..."

Sulia meandered through Companion's field. Her green shadow, for that was what she called the healer who followed her around when she left her rooms, walked several paces behind her, but she ignored the young man and continued on her walk. She didn't pay much attention to where she was going; she rarely paid much attention to anything. She rarely even noticed the people or places around her. Her wandering grey-blue eyes fell on a young trainee, the little girl didn't look a day over eleven and she splashed her Companion with water from the stream until the mare plunged into the water herself to join her Herald.

Sulia stopped, the green shadow stopped as well, for a moment the clouds in her dreaming eyes dissipated as a flash of unwanted memory flared in her mind. The wooded Field around her faded and reformed into a scene from three years ago, Sulia saw herself sitting in the middle of another field, a flat, bare, ugly field that was stained with blood. She had been on her first solo circuit, an easy route her Companion, Marisell, had told her soothingly. She couldn't remember now what had really happened, she only saw herself alone, so chillingly alone beside the body of her beloved Marisell. 

Again, the scene faded and Sulia came to herself with a startled jerk, her eyes clouding once more with soothing oblivion. Within her own mind she was safe, if she left her comforting blanket of nothingness she would have to feel that cold loneliness again, a loneliness she couldn't bear. So, Sulia resumed her wandering walk, her green shadow following behind...

Argen followed Sulia from the Herald's Collegium with some trepidation. He had been forced to follow her around for the past sennight and his nerves were wearing thin. It was very odd to hover worryingly over a Herald at any time, usually a Herald that was in their care was badly wounded, and the first time he had heard the Death Bell Argen had had nightmares for weeks afterward. He had thought that it would be a simple task to follow this young woman around, all he had to do, so he was told, was to make sure that Herald Sulia ate and drank when she was supposed to, and to make sure she didn't hurt herself accidentally. Or, he shuddered to think, harm herself on purpose. So it had worried him greatly when she had woken up early, dressed herself in Whites, and wandered out of the Collegium and into the Field. Still, he sighed, and followed her.

It was such a shame really, he thought, she was a pretty young woman of twenty-two years and had been a promising young Herald full of life and laughter. He had still been at his studies in Healer's Collegium when they brought her back from her fateful circuit, bloody and with a broken arm and three broken ribs, but he had soon heard about her. As soon as her body had healed, her mind had simply retreated from reality, leaving a pale wandering woman in its wake. She was put up in rooms with the other Heralds who had permanent residence in the Collegium after almost a month of nervous suicide watch. A Herald who lost a Companion or vice versa was an uncertain thing, occasionally a new Companion will choose the Herald, but if that did not happen it was almost certain that said Herald would kill themselves. 

Sulia, however, hadn't tried to harm herself in any way in the three years since she had lost her Companion. Argen shook his head, she was walking, breathing... but even so she was still dead to the world...

Sornin shook his forelock in annoyance as a fly tried to alight on his nose, damnable things wouldn't leave him alone. Of course, lying down near a stagnant puddle and watching the two new foals frolicking amongst themselves had been his brilliant idea, and he wouldn't be made to move by a mere insect.

The Companion's day had been mostly routine for almost a third of his life: wake up, eat, perhaps make a nuisance of himself among his fellows, eat again, and take a nap, and so on and so forth. Humans were not the only ones to succumb to depression, Companions were rather susceptible as well and Sornin had enough to be depressed about. His Chosen had died nearly eleven years ago; a fever ignored for too long and aggravated by long days in the saddle had quickly developed into pneumonia before Sornin could persuade Merric to return to the Collegium for treatment. By the time they had reached the healers, the illness had progressed too far and he had sought the Havens. 

So now, he rose inelegantly on the uneven ground, cursing the ground of course for being uneven in the first place. Thinking about Merric always made him uncomfortable, and his legs strained as he forced himself into a hard gallop that he hadn't attempted in quite awhile. Presently, he slowed to a quick trot when he was far enough away from everyone to suit him.

Sornin stopped and flicked an ear forward and turned an azure eye towards a faint discordant sound a little ways away from him. It was someone humming, but the sound rang odd to him as if the singer had only heard the song once and then forgotten most of the notes. Something tugged at his heart and he followed it to a sheltered bower beside one of the streams that ran through the Field. A young woman in Herald's Whites sat on the grass while a Healer in green watched her out of the corner of his eye while he threw pebbles into the water. 

A familiar feeling swept over Sornin then, a fierce protectiveness and love surged out from him uncontrollably towards the Herald, and it was something he hadn't felt since he had Chosen Merric. He splashed into the water and went to the girl, nudging her chest with his nose and forcing her to look at him. Sulia's dreamy grey eyes locked with his and her dream shattered in an instant leaving a painful clarity of thought and a well of unreleased grief broke free as she threw her arms around Sornin's neck with a sob of mingled joy and sorrow, but the joy won out and she cried simply for lost time. 

Sornin and his newly Chosen Herald stood there for several long moments while they sorted themselves out. They Knew each other, they Knew the pain of loss and love and loneliness and shared the joy of a new love for one another through their new bond.

Argen watched the altercation with mingled worry and awe, the awe won over in the end when Sulia laughed and wiped at her eyes with one hand and ran the other through her grey-streaked blond hair. She turned to look at him shyly; one arm slung over her Companion's back and gave him a slightly wry smile. The two of them climbed back up to the bank, Sulia was dripping wet from the knees down. Too amazed to do anything else, the Healer watched his charge mount the Companion and followed them back to the Collegium...

"If I go crazy then will you still call me superman? If I'm alive and well will you be there holding my hand? I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might, kryptonite..."

The End...

Well, this is my first Valdemar fic and probably not my last. I really hope you like it! -The author promptly falls on her knees and grovels for a review... PLEASE?????-


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